Terms and Conditions

A few years ago I had the enormous privilege to work with a start-up non profit fund raising organisation. This organisation has a novel method of collecting funds and consequently had to ensure that all the complicated legal and other governance issues were well and truly covered. Our attorneys belonged to one of the countries biggest firms and they unstintingly spent so much time (pro bono) with us and shared their knowledge. It was a tremendous learning experience: contracts, patents, trust and foundation law and so on, even tax issues thrown in for good measure.

For me, I found contracts to be really interesting (I also enjoyed patents, but more of this another time). The biggest lesson was that a contract should be fair for both parties ie. If a contract is 100%, then each party should benefit by 50% each. So, if I rent a place for Rxy, being the standard rate for a 2 bedroom flat, then I expect to get a 2 bedroom flat, no more, no less. And you can apply this to employment, purchasing a motor vehicle etc.

Well now I am going to talk about personal relationships. And you may quite rightly ask what on earth this has to do with contracts.

In the last couple of week, I have heard a number of people (men and women) talk, albeit sheepishly, about “contracts” they have entered into with their so called significant other.

The contracts go something like this: Person A says to potential significant other at the beginning of relationship
· “I don’t ever see us walking off hand in hand into the sunset”,
· “the most important thing in my life is my mother/sister/children/father/wife/husband and they will always come first”,
· “I am incapable of loving so don’t expect that”,
· “this will just be a short term relationship – with no strings attached”,
· “you can get out of this relationship any time you like – I will not hold you back”

Do you see what is happening here? Are these people emotionally dead/deprived or what? What they are actually saying is that your needs just do not count, my needs do. This is a one sided relationship of note.

Even worse is to come. The people who told me these things are in a bit of a pickle because their emotions are involved, they want a bit more commitment now and when they tried to discuss this with the “advantaged other” they were told “but I stated the Terms and Conditions at the beginning – so what’s your problem - you knew what the story was – I have always been honest with you”. The problem is that no-one should get involved in relationships where T & C’s are so one sided. If you are going to have a fling, by all means have a fling. But a fling does not last 1, 3, 5, 7 years. Good grief – these relationships are entirely one sided. Why should they change their minds?

But my personal favourite with one of these relationships, is of a married man who began an affair with: “I will not hurt my wife, I am known as a man of honour and I will never break a promise, I gave my word to my wife (ie. Till death do us part), I cannot hurt the kids even if they are grown up, and so on and so on”. Do you also see something wrong with this? This man, in one breath states he is an honourable man, but is quite happy to lie to and deceive his nearest and dearest and mess up someone else’s life in the process – but he did warn her first… well one hopes so, cause that makes it all OK. And this is the classic one sided contract – definitely no win/win here.

And yes, you may ask why people (men and women) can be so stupid – well who knows, but the heart, a bit of lust and some true emotions do get in the way of rational thinking…….

And the final lesson here – remember, always remember how a contract should be structured.